Moving On

Why is it that the things that are most essential to moving on are also the hardest and most painful? When a baby learns to walk, they fall down hundreds of times. When a kid learns how to ride a bike, they fall down again. I am doing the best I can to move on and get past what happened to me. But in order to do that, I have to dig deep down and scoop out all the shit that's hidden inside. I once wrote a song, and the lyrics say "You made the bed, but I sleep in it." Life is not fair, yet we have to keep moving forward.
I'm not pushing the blame for everything that happened in my life to everyone else; some things I did to myself. But a good chunk of the things that happened in my life were situations out of my control. I was forced into situations, and was scared shitless to leave. I keep going back to a certain time in my life. Apparently, I need to focus on that right now. The problem that I'm having with that is that it is one of the hardest periods in my life...being a teenager.

I was more of a quiet girl, focusing on my homework more than my social life. I was definitely the teacher's pet who never fit in with any of the cliques at school. I was a pretty smart kid, enrolled in advanced placement or honors classes throughout my freshman and sophomore years in high school. I enjoyed doing all kinds of school work, and would ask to do extra credit assignments several times during the week; even though I had an A in every class that I was taking.
I never had a boyfriend, though several boys would ask me to the different dances going on. There was a dance at the school I was going to called morp. It spells prom backwards, and was a pretty backwards dance. Usually, prom is a senior dance that the guy asks the girl to; well, morp was a freshman dance where the girl asked the guy. I was a sophomore when this dance started at my school, so I didn't have to worry about it. Well, two freshman guys asked me to go to morp with them. I refused both. When I was in eighth grade in Ohio, I had a senior ask me to prom. I turned him down, of course. He was too old! But why wouldn't I go with some younger guys? For the same reason that I didn't have any friends; because I wasn't allowed.
I think it's pretty safe to say that every teenager starts experiencing a huge spike in their hormone level, attracting them to the opposite sex, and making them more independent. It's the body's way of growing up and making the long journey of becoming an adult. They don't want to spend as much time with their parents, or any family member in that case. They want to hang out with their friends, and make their own decisions. They don't need parents anymore, because they're adults now. It's pretty annoying if you're not the teenager, but it's normal. That's the way things are supposed to be. What these kids should be receiving during these times is support. Don't make them feel dirty if they think a boy/girl is cute. Don't make them feel guilty for wanting to fly away from the nest. They're still kids, they're just moving up to a new level. I never had any support for any of these changes. I was ridiculed for thinking that a boy was cute, and was told that I had a demon of lust inside of me. I had a demon of rebellion because I wanted to go out into the world. I had a demon of worldliness because I wanted to have friends that weren't in the cult. I was a very lonely teenager. Not only did I not have friends, but I didn't have family either. My mom worked full time, and the cult 'family' turned away from me if Carol told them to. There was no independent thinking.
Another thing that I was not permitted to have was any type of entertainment. We didn't have a TV in our house, because Carol said it was worldly. The only music we were allowed to have in the house had to be approved by Carol first. Which means that it was either worship music or the Bible on CD. I would listen to the 'worldly' radio station when I was home by myself, until I got caught. Carol would make unannounced house calls, just to check up on you. She would say things like "God told me this and this about you, and I needed to tell you right away." She would go through all of my stuff, and tell me to get rid of things that God didn't like; like my diary. I had written about a boy, and God didn't approve, so I had to get rid of it. I had to throw away all of the pictures that I had of my dad. I even had to throw away pictures of a girl from school and me, because my makeup was lustful. I was put under such a tight leash, I'm surprised that I could even breathe!
By the time I was about fifteen to sixteen years old, I had gotten fed up with all of Carol's bullshit. I couldn't handle not being able to live a life, so I tried my hardest to have fun with what I could. I went to school with a girl named Lexi. She was a freshman and I was a sophomore. I would go to her house after school sometimes, just to have a little fun. Well, I ended up having my first taste of alcohol at her house at fifteen years old. The drink of choice? Vodka! Still my number one choice when drinking. I drank 5-6 swigs of it, and loved the way I felt. That day, my mom told me to pick her up from Carol's house. So, after having quite a bit of alcohol (for a first timer, anyway), I was hesitant on driving. After I thought about it, though, I couldn't say no because then I would have to give a reason why I couldn't. So, to save myself a good tongue lashing and humiliation in front of everyone else if Carol found out, I went. I still don't think my mom knows that I did that to this day.