I figured out that I don't know everything. Not in the sense of I was a know-it-all and my pride was broken, but in the sense of I don't know simple, common knowledge things that 5 year olds in Sunday School know. I don't know how to pray. I don't know how to accept love. I don't know how to give love. I don't know what's true for me, and I don't know what isn't true for me. Let's start with the first one, so I don't go all over the place.
So, how to pray. I know that there isn't a rhyme or reason on how to pray or what to pray for, but I find it extremely hard to even talk to God. I can pray in my head, but I am very uncomfortable verbalizing a prayer out loud. The reason for this is because when I was in the cult, Carol told me that my calling in life was to be an intercessor, which is someone who prays.
"An intercessor is someone who is especially called and equipped by God through the Holy Spirit to spend time in earnest prayer for others. You become an intercessor simply by receiving such burdens from God to pray for others. You learn from the Holy Spirit how to pray for certain people or groups. "Ask me, and I will tell you things that you don't know and can't find out." (Jeremiah 33:3)" There are several differences between this explanation, and what I went through with Carol. First off, I was called by God through Carol, not the Holy Spirit. Second, I didn't receive the burdens from God, I received them from Carol. Third, I didn't learn through the Holy Spirit, I learned through Carol. Carol was 'training' me to be an intercessor, since she was also an intercessor. So, she would critique how I prayed, and what I prayed about. A prayer about myself was a selfish prayer (unless it was a prayer to cleanse me, etc.), so I needed to ask someone else to pray for me. That someone else was...can you guess? Carol! So, since I had to go to her to pray about me, she would tell me if they were necessary or appropriate prayers. Everything was monitored by her. If I didn't pray, it was because there was a concoction of sins in my heart keeping me from praying. If I would pray, I was praying in the flesh, so God wasn't hearing me anyway. So, I couldn't pray without Carol's direction. I told my step sister that a horrible analogy, but the only one I could think of is this: my 'self-directed prayer mechanism' is a block of cheese. Carol took that block of cheese and grated it over and over again, until the cheese was gone. After that point, I depended on her for everything. Some people don't understand what I mean when I say that I don't know how to pray. It's because my cheese is gone, and now I need to go back to the store and get a new block. That's where I am now.
I don't know how to accept love. This comes from spending 13 years in co-dependent relationships with people who didn't really love me. I've been lied to so many times, from people who really shouldn't be lying to me, like parents, siblings and partners. I have been stripped of any trust that I may have had as a child.
I don't know how to give love. This is from the above scenario...if I haven't been exposed to real love, how do I know how to really love? It's only been through the past year and a half that I've experienced real love, and I don't know what to do with it, and I sure as hell don't know how to adequately give it back.
I don't know what's true for me. I have so much book knowledge about the Bible. I could seriously stand in front of a church congregation and give a lengthy sermon, and know exactly what I'm talking about. But, I don't know what it means. I don't know how to apply it to my life, so I definitely don't know how to apply it to someone else's life.
I don't know what's not true for me. Because Carol taught based on the Bible, some of the things that she said have to be true. That's a fact that I'm not yet ready to accept. I don't want to say the same things she says, and I don't want to hear the same things that she told me. I am not sure how much of what Carol said is untrue, and that scares me and makes me not want to learn anymore. I have to get over that fear in order to move on. That might be one of the hardest things I'll ever have to do.
I need a lot of prayer, and thank God for all the people he's put in my life who support me. I could not be where I am today without them. I pray that God will bless you beyond words, and you all know who you are <3 I love you all, even if I don't show it yet. I will learn!
