This is a special day...Christ rose again. Because he lives I too can live. I think back on my life and I can't help thinking about all of the pain. Why am I always brought back to tears when I just want to be happy? Maybe the doctor was right...maybe my chest pain is from a broken heart. Not from my ex, of course; but from all the other people who have hurt me.
When I was in the cult, Carol made me go through the 'Steps to Freedom in Christ' every two weeks to stay 'cleansed'. One of the 'steps' was forgiveness. I had to make three lists; one listed things that I needed to forgive others for, another was things that I needed to forgive myself for, and the last was things I needed to forgive God for. Of course, God can do no wrong, so, essentially, I was 'forgiving' God for what I blamed Him for in my life. Apparently, my lists were supposed to get shorter; except the one for myself, since I was always sinning...whatever logic says that I need to forgive myself for sinning? Anyway, because God is perfect, I didn't see a point in forgiving Him for something that I felt He did wrong. How twisted is that? That is gratifying myself while putting God at my level, which is, in essence, putting myself at His level. Can anyone else say..."WRONG!!" The only list left was the one where I forgive others. That list never got shorter or longer...it pretty much stayed the same; and the same people were always on it. Who were they? My dad, for making me feel so unloved. All I ever wanted was a father. A daddy would've been great! But why run when I can't even crawl yet? How can I have a daddy if I don't even have a father? And my mom, for what I saw as failing on being a mother. She lived for Carol, not her kids. Everything was done under Carol's watch, every decision was made with Carol's approval. I just wanted a mom. That's the jist of who was on my forgiveness list.
I don't have any lists anymore, but I do have them in my head. I always think about what I went through, and what I'm going through now. My parents divorced when I was 13, and seven years later, another set of parents are divorced. Both times I stuck with the mother. Back then, when it was my mom and dad, I was convinced that my father was evil. I have one parent telling me that he never tried, and the other one telling me that mom made excuses. Who's right? I have no clue. Does it even matter anymore? Anyway, I was completely blinded and hated my dad, so of course I would choose mom. Now, no one has to tell me that my dad is a bad person...he did a fine job of proving that himself. No one had to persuade me to stay with Beth, I decided myself.
Here lately, though, I've felt as if I'm reverting back to that time in my life. I'm listening to the music that got me through. I felt so alone back then, I WAS alone back then! No one was there for me...no one would listen. I didn't have a shoulder to cry on, I didn't have that friend that would do anything for me whenever I needed it. I had a lying 'church family' that stabbed me in the back when I decided to move. For eleven years I was with these people, day in and day out...and now I have the devil inside of me because I left? What the hell is that!?! I cried myself to sleep every night from the time my parents were divorced until about a year after I moved in with Alex. For six years! That is realistic, too...I'm not exaggerating! I was so hurt, and no one heard me...nor did anyone want to. I was just Amber...and that's all I would ever be. I would never amount to anything...never become anyone. Just Amber.
My songs were my heart, they were what got me through the toughest days...which was pretty much every day. They decorated my walls, and I would add a new one every day. I poured my heart onto those papers, and it overflowed. It was like turning a glass upside-down and pouring water on it; it will just spill over, because it has nowhere to go; it has no depth. The paper had no depth, no meaning; but it was the only thing that I had. No one would listen, and if I did try to talk, I was in self-pity. I was not allowed to show sadness for losing my father. I was not allowed to long for love...if I did then I wasn't seeking God enough, because God is the only person I need in my life. I already had God inside of me...but I wanted more!
I was just a kid, and I wanted to feel like one. I wanted to have friends and go out on dates. I wanted to have those father/daughter lunches and the mother/daughter shopping days. I just wanted to be normal! I didn't want to stand on the street corner and sell myself. That is what I was told I was doing if I liked a boy. I needed to get rid of lust. I just wanted love...I wanted parents and friends.
I missed out on so much because of the cult. It really has scarred me. For life? I hope not! I am trying so hard to reverse the damage that has been done, but how can I do that if I'm not even sure what the hell is wrong with me? After eleven years, there has to be a huge list of issues that I have. I know of a few, but will I ever reach the end? How many years will it take to reverse eleven years of brainwashing? How long before I am completely me, without any doubts? When will I be able to let go of my pain and move on with my life?
God, please help me! I need You so bad right now, You're the only one who will listen. I have been the rock, but I am faltering. I need a rock, and You are the only sturdy thing I see. I can't go on this journey without You by my side, nor do I want to try again. I am falling under the painful memories from my past, and I need You to help me stand up again. Lord, I am a mere human, and yet I feel as though I'm going through a supernatural hurricane. The winds are stronger than I...they're taking me into the deep abyss where I once was, the abyss of pain and sorrow. I don't want to go back! But, it hurts to fight against it. What do I do? My knowledge is not that wide. I need Your love and Your gentle hand to guide me through this valley. I have lived in the shadow of death...I'm ready to leave! Please, take my outstretched hand and pull me out until I can dance on the golden streets that You have made...just for me. Just for Amber, your beloved daughter.
Amen
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