Reply to Rick Ross cult site READ!!!!!

Carl Andrews (my step dad) posted a reply today. Click on the link, then scroll all the way down to the bottom. Everyone should read it...that means you, too, Store hoe....I mean house.

Wow...it's been a few days since I've written. I just have some weeks that I feel really super inspired to write, and others when I just don't. But, life never seems to be inspiring! I think about my life sometimes, and wonder where the hell I'm supposed to go, and what I'm supposed to do. Last week, I was feeling really low. I just didn't know where I was with God, and what God wanted me to do. I didn't feel worthy to accept his love for me, and to even do his work. The night before last, I was talking to Brian on the phone. After talking for a little bit, he asked me if I was ok. I responded with a "yes". Apparently, he wasn't convinced, because he asked me again. So, I started asking him about his walk with Christ, and how he knew that he was called to be a pastor. He said something that spoke in volumes to me...it was just what I needed to hear. It was somewhere along the lines of "God told me to do something, but he didn't say that I needed to be perfect at it." I am so hard on myself sometimes...I want everything to be a certain way all the time. If it's not, I get angry. I guess you could call me a perfectionist. Another issue that I have is impatience. I have ZERO patience for life. I have patience for my job, but that's about it. I have horrible road rage, and have had panic attacks after getting really upset. I honestly don't know how I'm going to be able to have some patience with myself. I just want everything to happen right now! I hate waiting for things, especially when it's a fault that I have.
I went to worship practice tonight, and there was a song that we were practicing that was originally sung by Hillsong. It didn't bother me until they pulled up the actual song on the internet, with the actual people singing it. It sent chills up my spine! I heard her...the woman who Carol listened to. Darlene Zchech. I HATE!!!! hearing her sing! I hate it so much it just makes me angry. I almost walked out. I don't know why it's still so hard for me to listen to things that she did. That's what I'm talking about...I should be over it by now! It's been like 3 1/2 years...what is taking so long!?!?!? I just want to go back to a time when life was not so complicated...

Lord,
I'm having a really rough week. I still can't even pray out loud, I have to write my prayers down. Please, forgive my impatience, but I don't know how I can help anyone if I'm not even able to pray. I cant even help myself right now. When, Lord? When will I be comforted again? I hate these growing pains! But, if it's what you want me to go through, give me the strength to get through, and the humility to not complain. I know that you can hear my heart as it cries out to you...please answer me.
Amen.

Cult Similarities

A few months back, I did some research on comparing the cult that I was raised in to other publicly known cults. The similarities are scary, and all too real.

The Church of Bible Understanding (formerly known as the Forever Family)

is a destructive cult started in 1971 by former atheist and vacuum repairman Stewart Traill in Allentown, Pennsylvania. The cult targeted teens as young as 13 by drawing on their weaknesses. Throughout the 1970s, the cult expanded to many other parts of the United States. Members of the cult live in a commune and donate 90% of their income to the cult. Traill amassed a fortune and owns four planes and a half million dollar mansion. According to former members, Traill controls every aspect of members’ lives through harsh criticism, shame, and public humiliation.

I figured out that I don't know everything. Not in the sense of I was a know-it-all and my pride was broken, but in the sense of I don't know simple, common knowledge things that 5 year olds in Sunday School know. I don't know how to pray. I don't know how to accept love. I don't know how to give love. I don't know what's true for me, and I don't know what isn't true for me. Let's start with the first one, so I don't go all over the place.
So, how to pray. I know that there isn't a rhyme or reason on how to pray or what to pray for, but I find it extremely hard to even talk to God. I can pray in my head, but I am very uncomfortable verbalizing a prayer out loud. The reason for this is because when I was in the cult, Carol told me that my calling in life was to be an intercessor, which is someone who prays. "An intercessor is someone who is especially called and equipped by God through the Holy Spirit to spend time in earnest prayer for others. You become an intercessor simply by receiving such burdens from God to pray for others. You learn from the Holy Spirit how to pray for certain people or groups. "Ask me, and I will tell you things that you don't know and can't find out." (Jeremiah 33:3)" There are several differences between this explanation, and what I went through with Carol. First off, I was called by God through Carol, not the Holy Spirit. Second, I didn't receive the burdens from God, I received them from Carol. Third, I didn't learn through the Holy Spirit, I learned through Carol. Carol was 'training' me to be an intercessor, since she was also an intercessor. So, she would critique how I prayed, and what I prayed about. A prayer about myself was a selfish prayer (unless it was a prayer to cleanse me, etc.), so I needed to ask someone else to pray for me. That someone else was...can you guess? Carol! So, since I had to go to her to pray about me, she would tell me if they were necessary or appropriate prayers. Everything was monitored by her. If I didn't pray, it was because there was a concoction of sins in my heart keeping me from praying. If I would pray, I was praying in the flesh, so God wasn't hearing me anyway. So, I couldn't pray without Carol's direction. I told my step sister that a horrible analogy, but the only one I could think of is this: my 'self-directed prayer mechanism' is a block of cheese. Carol took that block of cheese and grated it over and over again, until the cheese was gone. After that point, I depended on her for everything. Some people don't understand what I mean when I say that I don't know how to pray. It's because my cheese is gone, and now I need to go back to the store and get a new block. That's where I am now.
I don't know how to accept love. This comes from spending 13 years in co-dependent relationships with people who didn't really love me. I've been lied to so many times, from people who really shouldn't be lying to me, like parents, siblings and partners. I have been stripped of any trust that I may have had as a child.
I don't know how to give love. This is from the above scenario...if I haven't been exposed to real love, how do I know how to really love? It's only been through the past year and a half that I've experienced real love, and I don't know what to do with it, and I sure as hell don't know how to adequately give it back.
I don't know what's true for me. I have so much book knowledge about the Bible. I could seriously stand in front of a church congregation and give a lengthy sermon, and know exactly what I'm talking about. But, I don't know what it means. I don't know how to apply it to my life, so I definitely don't know how to apply it to someone else's life.
I don't know what's not true for me. Because Carol taught based on the Bible, some of the things that she said have to be true. That's a fact that I'm not yet ready to accept. I don't want to say the same things she says, and I don't want to hear the same things that she told me. I am not sure how much of what Carol said is untrue, and that scares me and makes me not want to learn anymore. I have to get over that fear in order to move on. That might be one of the hardest things I'll ever have to do.

I need a lot of prayer, and thank God for all the people he's put in my life who support me. I could not be where I am today without them. I pray that God will bless you beyond words, and you all know who you are <3 I love you all, even if I don't show it yet. I will learn!

Love

I have been thinking a lot lately about my relationship with Christ. I am so glad that it is where it is today, but it's still not far enough! I know a lot about the Bible, but I don't know what it means. I only ever read what Carol gave me to read. My dream about Proverbs 8 forced me to think about many many things. I read that chapter probably ten times that day, just to make sure that I didn't miss anything. I figured out that that dream was meant to tell me something...I am free from Carol and Holy wisdom is on my side!

My Dream

Eric (a guy who's still in the cult) and I were in several front yards pulling yellow flowers up out of the ground. Carol was saying they were lotus flowers. There were purple, pink and yellow flowers, but we were only pulling the yellow ones. Carol was the only other one there.

Now I See

When I first realized where I had come from, the idea of being in a cult is just so unbelievable! I lived in a form of denial for quite a long time...just treating the whole experience as if it never happened. The only problem with that it that it was eleven years of my life. I can't just erase eleven years! I had to face it, and that was not easy, as it still isn't. Carol teaches based on the Bible, so many of the things she says are true. That is so hard for me to accept. I don't want anything she says to be true! I want her to be 100% wrong on everything! Reality check: she's not. She is wrong on many things...much more than what she is right on. So when I hear things that she used to say being spoken by other people, it makes me think...was I really in a cult?

Cult Consent Form

I received several books last week from Ami about recovering from cults and abusive spiritual relationships. I started on one called Take Back Your Life (Janja Lalich and Madeleine Tobias). I have been agreeing with everything it's said from the introduction on. I'm in the second chapter now, which talks about the recruitment process of a cult. There is a mock contract for cult membership that completely boggled my mind! If there was any doubt that the group that I was in is a cult, it has completely gone away.

It will be Opened

You know what the Bible says...seek and you shall find. Keep on seeking, Storehouse; you will find something. It won't be what you expected, but it will be something.

Cult Test Explained

So I got this 'cult test' on a 'church of reality' website. Although I do not agree with the beliefs of the church of reality, this 'test' is very accurate! These are the points that were present in the cult that I was involved in. I will put a little piece of my experience that can be related to these points.

1. The Guru is always right.
Carol was always right, and if you questioned anything she did or said, she would say that you were "coming against a prophet", and it would be rejected.

My Testimony

Most of my friends know the circumstances that brought me to the place that I am today. I've given bits and pieces of where I came from, but I don't think that I've actually shared my full testimony on here. I will take you to the very beginning...

It all started when I was six years old.