Raking Leaves

There comes a point in your life when you not only decide...but you realize that everything that has happened before today should have happened exactly the way it did. Everyone has a past. It's when you can look at it straight in the face through reality that ultimately decides what the result will be. It's easy to walk through life, refusing to acknowledge a painful, messy past. A difficult step above denial is to accept that you have such a past. But it can be downright unbearable, and nearly impossible to face the fear of going through each and every painful memory to move on from this past. This is where I am living...I've made the conscious, personal decision to rake through every dead, crumbly leaf in my life; all in the hope and faith that God will somehow get me through. It's not easy, enjoyable or quick revisiting an abusive past. Every time I hear words that she used to say, see things she used to wear, visit places we used to go, I am forced to relive it. It's like the rake used to clean up my mess instantly transforms into a dagger and stabs me in my weakest place - my heart. I'm afraid to feel anymore, but now that I'm in this deep, it's pointless to turn back. There is no such thing as giving up...there is only moving. I must move on. I must finish this painful, seemingly self-injurious journey to continue my growth as a person, and as a Catholic Christian. This is the calling God has placed on my life. There has to be a reason I went through the cult; but most importantly, there has to be a reason God brought me back. There has to be a reason I still have faith, and why I'm not content with just that. There must be more...