Wow...it feels so good to finally write! I was going to begin this blog by saying that I no longer felt a need to write. But, I just haven't had time to do it. I haven't been able to sit down, relax and hear myself think. Now that I have time, I feel like it's just flowing out of me....
Losing Brian was extremely painful for me. A lesson? I don't think so. I can't see anything that I did wrong with him that I would have needed to learn from. The only fault that I can think of was leaning on him. But isn't that what a friend is for? For support and encouragement? It wasn't like he was doing all the encouraging and I was leaving him alone. We were both there for each other, and I listened when he needed me to. What hurt me the most about that situation is that it seemed as though he felt nothing. I tried so many times to talk to him; emails, texts, phone calls...and just nothing. I wish that I could have had one more conversation with him...to see if we could smooth everything out with each other. I miss having my Brian there...I guess I will just have to wait for God to bring another Brian in my life. Until then, all I can do is pray and try to remember what Brian would say...
I really miss my family in Ohio. I miss my baby Bella!! But, I'm so conflicted! Everyone here wants me to stay in Arizona. Everyone in Ohio wants me to stay in Ohio. It would be easy to make a decision if I only had one family. But I don't...I have 2, and I love them both dearly. I want to be in both places, with everyone...but of course life is never that easy. Mom and Carl say that I can bring Bella and stay with them while I go to school. Beth says the same thing. I miss Arizona, and I missed being with my mom. But, if I come here, I will miss Beth and the kids and her family. No matter what I do, I am hurting someone. I hate decisions! I wish I had Brian to talk to! He would know exactly what to say...
Why does growing up have to be so hard? It's not even the growing up part...it's what to do AFTER you've grown. Responsibility is soo overrated! I want to go back to the days when all I had to worry about was studying for my biology test and working the part time evening shift at McDonald's. High school was so easy compared to real life! I wish I could've finished that experience...but life goes on, right?
Well, I'm going to say goodnight now. Maybe I'll be back tomorrow =)
Love to all!
<3
No comments:
Post a Comment