Wow...it's been a few days since I've written. I just have some weeks that I feel really super inspired to write, and others when I just don't. But, life never seems to be inspiring! I think about my life sometimes, and wonder where the hell I'm supposed to go, and what I'm supposed to do. Last week, I was feeling really low. I just didn't know where I was with God, and what God wanted me to do. I didn't feel worthy to accept his love for me, and to even do his work. The night before last, I was talking to Brian on the phone. After talking for a little bit, he asked me if I was ok. I responded with a "yes". Apparently, he wasn't convinced, because he asked me again. So, I started asking him about his walk with Christ, and how he knew that he was called to be a pastor. He said something that spoke in volumes to me...it was just what I needed to hear. It was somewhere along the lines of "God told me to do something, but he didn't say that I needed to be perfect at it." I am so hard on myself sometimes...I want everything to be a certain way all the time. If it's not, I get angry. I guess you could call me a perfectionist. Another issue that I have is impatience. I have ZERO patience for life. I have patience for my job, but that's about it. I have horrible road rage, and have had panic attacks after getting really upset. I honestly don't know how I'm going to be able to have some patience with myself. I just want everything to happen right now! I hate waiting for things, especially when it's a fault that I have.
I went to worship practice tonight, and there was a song that we were practicing that was originally sung by Hillsong. It didn't bother me until they pulled up the actual song on the internet, with the actual people singing it. It sent chills up my spine! I heard her...the woman who Carol listened to. Darlene Zchech. I HATE!!!! hearing her sing! I hate it so much it just makes me angry. I almost walked out. I don't know why it's still so hard for me to listen to things that she did. That's what I'm talking about...I should be over it by now! It's been like 3 1/2 years...what is taking so long!?!?!? I just want to go back to a time when life was not so complicated...
Lord,
I'm having a really rough week. I still can't even pray out loud, I have to write my prayers down. Please, forgive my impatience, but I don't know how I can help anyone if I'm not even able to pray. I cant even help myself right now. When, Lord? When will I be comforted again? I hate these growing pains! But, if it's what you want me to go through, give me the strength to get through, and the humility to not complain. I know that you can hear my heart as it cries out to you...please answer me.
Amen.
Hi Amber, nice post, very heartfelt. It brings me joy to hear that you can express yourself like this and it is inspirational.
ReplyDeleteI wanted to reassure you that there is no shame in not praying out loud. God is everywhere, in all things, and even inside you, he loves all the ways you communicate with him whether in thought, written word, or out loud. You are loved no matter what the state of your heart, there is no use trying to be perfect because it is a goal that is impossible to reach, you already have God in your life, you have already reached the goal.
You are already saved, there is no further you can go; we serve God out of gratitude, not because we have to earn our salvation.
Father God,
Please reassure Amber that you are with her and that she is already saved and not only that but that she is worth saving.
Amen.
Thanks so much, Brian! You have truly been a blessing to me. It is very hard to understand why God loves me, but I guess I just have to have faith that he can use "the least of these", which is me. You're awesome =)
ReplyDeleteAmber..please do not be so hard on yourself...If you were raised in that situation for 11 yrs..It is going to take awhile to let alot of that pain go. Praying for you that God heal you completely and give you a person to publish your book!!!Love and Prayers,ohio woman <3
Delete