My Testimony

Most of my friends know the circumstances that brought me to the place that I am today. I've given bits and pieces of where I came from, but I don't think that I've actually shared my full testimony on here. I will take you to the very beginning...

It all started when I was six years old.
My family started going to a church, Fountain of Life, in Circleville, Ohio after we had moved from Columbus. There was a woman who also attended named Carol Brown, along with her husband John. Carol decided to start holding Bible studies in her home, and eventually convinced several families, including mine, to stop going to Fountain of Life, and to attend church at her house instead. She would tell people that she had had an angel visitation that lasted three days when she was at some training in Colorado. This angel told her that one day, she would have a church and that she was to call it "The Storehouse of God's Inheritance".

Several years later, the 'church' had not grown. There were only four families and a single elderly woman. However, these people were being completely controlled by Carol, because she professed to be a prophet and an angel. She had never been ordained, or had the 'laying on of hands' to teach the Word of God. She claimed that she didn't need men to lay hands on her, because she had been anointed by God. She claimed to be in direct communication with God, and would deliver messages to us from God himself.
She would go to absolute extremes when talking about God 'exposing' you to yourself. One of the things that she told me numerous times was that I had a demon of lust in my heart. One night when I was living with her, after my mom had been kicked out of the church, I saw a cockroach in my room. Anyone who knows me knows that I am terrified of bugs...especially roaches and spiders. So anyway, I see this roach and start hysterically screaming. She comes running in, and tells me that there is no roach, but is in fact the demon of lust that is in my heart manifesting itself to me. It was God showing me the lust in my heart. Another instance is a journal entry that I have. The entire entry is very long, so I will only type the excerpt that I am referring to.
August 21, 2007 - "Anywho...God is showing me a lot about my heart at work, and I'm accepting it - even though it gets tough sometimes! Like today - God showed me that I still have lust in my heart, and that the reason my eyes have been burning is because I keep looking at my circumstances instead of looking to God. I am so filthy!! It's disgusting how I can just walk around living my life just to please myself! I NEED TO CHANGE!!!"
This entry was written the day before my seventeenth birthday.
Another thing that Carol did was make you work for the things that you wanted from God. I have a journal entry written on June 13, 2007. It says "As I have a physically laborous job to get my paycheck, I MUST work very hard to get things from God. Nothing is just going to be given to me - I MUST WORK WITH GOD AND FOR GOD TO GET FROM GOD!!!" What ever happened to the free gift given to us through Christ? Didn't he die so that we could freely have life?
Carol was an extremely controlling person. She would make me feel like I was worth nothing, and she would actually tell me that. She would make a spiritual definition for all of the 'sins', no matter what they were. I have a journal from when I was nine years old. I had to write down all of the sins that I had in my heart, and ask God to forgive me for them one by one. Here are the sins that I had to be forgiven of at nine years old:
pride, jealousy, greediness, selfishness, rebellion, cheating, worldliness, competitiveness, disobedience to anybody I should, fear, envy, listening to others, gossiping, dishonesty, hanging around sinners, talking in church, laughing in church, turning around to play with the baby during church, works of the flesh, trying to harm people, uncleanness, anxiousness, not asking, laziness, tiredness, self-conceited, unwatchful, unfaithful in trust, spiritual deafness and blindness, murder, living in the flesh, disrespectful, not honoring God, fighting, lack of quietness, lack of faith and trust in God, worldly pleasures, impatience, failing, snares, blaming others, jumping silly during praise, singing silly during praise, listening to people when I know I'm not supposed to, not searching my heart, not willing, not humbling myself to God, idolatry, lying, taking advantage of others, unforgiving, unloving, not liking to read and pray, double-mindedness, getting mad at everyone, praying silly prayers, not praying with others, wickedness, expecting things, trying to receive things from others, playing in church, denial, not a doer of the word, thinking I can do it on my own, not giving mercy, mocking, not praying for things I need to, not worshiping, boasting, not being trustworthy, trusting in man, murmuring, self-seeking, working for praise, stiff-neck, bitterness, unrepentant, flesh, doubt and unbelief, lust, deceit, not minding my own business, pride eye, stubbornness, double tongue, proud looks, hypocrisy, not taking my thoughts captive, silliness, joke telling, worrying, fretting, not dealing with rejection, flattering lips, no respect, seeking after things.
Who would've known that I committed murder when I was nine? All of these 'sins' were put in my mind by Carol. There is no way a nine year old would know what self-seeking was, or double tongued; at least I didn't. I just wrote down what I was told to write down.
After many years of this, when I was 15-16 years old, I knew that something wasn't right. By this time, I had been convinced to drop out of high school, because it was worldly. I had no friends, and couldn't go out with anyone if they asked me; which people stopped doing after several no's from me without giving them a reason why. I wouldn't want to go out with me either. I felt so alone and depressed; which was, by the way, a sin. I wanted a friend, someone to confide in or talk to. I needed a shoulder to cry on, just something so that I knew that someone out there was listening to me, and they cared. I never got that. According to Carol, the only things that ever stayed were the 'demons' that I had in my heart. Demon of intellectualism, demon of lust, demon of depression, demon of this and demon of that. I had begun to think that I was possessed.
But, by the time I turned 17, I realized that it was all bogus. I would still go through the motions when I had to, but I didn't believe it anymore. I met Alex, and very quickly started a relationship with him, and a few months later, I ended up in California. I thought I loved him, and I thought that he loved me. It was a very rocky relationship, full of hateful, abusive words; of which I was always on the receiving end. It was the classic verbal abusive relationship. He was controlling and very insecure about himself, and constantly told me that no one in this world loved me more than he did. I was so insecure about myself that I even added onto that by saying that I would never survive if he wasn't in my life. He supported it fully. I was still alone and getting more scars every day. Love was supposed to be grand and perfect. Where was the happiness? Where is the fairy tale romance? It was completely and absolutely non-existent. I lived that life for two years, and I thank God every day that someone lied about me. One of Alex's friends, Nilton, told Alex that I slept with him. It was untrue, but Alex wouldn't believe me. He told me to leave, so I moved to Ohio.
I spent several months in emotional isolation, coming out only to talk to Beth, my step-mom. I was so hurt and felt so unloved. I had so many years of pain that I needed to come to terms with, that I had tried to escape before. I lived in Ohio for a little more than a year. In that year, I found myself for the first time. I found out who Amber Taylor was, and I fell in love with her. It's so cliche, and everyone says it... "you have to love yourself before you can love anyone else." I always thought that if you loved yourself, it was vanity and pride. But it is so true! You cannot share love until you fully have it yourself. I also found out who I was in Christ. I just had an epiphany one night. I realized that I didn't need to sob on the floor every day for the sins that I may or may have not committed. Christ died all those years ago as an atonement for ALL of my sins, past, present and future. I still need grace, of course, but I don't have to beg God for it...he has already gladly given it to me.
That brings me to where I am today. I am finding out more and more about myself every day, and I don't need a long list of sins to do it. God doesn't need to show me non-existent bugs or burn my eyes. He shows me through everyday things, like my dog, my job, my friends. I don't feel unloved and I'm not insecure anymore. Don't get me wrong...I have a very long road ahead of me, but I will make it through.

P.S. - I still haven't murdered anyone =)