Love

I have been thinking a lot lately about my relationship with Christ. I am so glad that it is where it is today, but it's still not far enough! I know a lot about the Bible, but I don't know what it means. I only ever read what Carol gave me to read. My dream about Proverbs 8 forced me to think about many many things. I read that chapter probably ten times that day, just to make sure that I didn't miss anything. I figured out that that dream was meant to tell me something...I am free from Carol and Holy wisdom is on my side!
She did not pull me back into the house with her, and I didn't stop pulling the thorns out of the Bible when all those women told me to. I kept on doing it, and that's what I'm doing now. There are some telling me that I need to just stop and 'get over it'. The problem is, if I do that, I will have learned nothing. I don't want to shy away from the challenge...God gave me the strong will that I have, and I will fight until the very end for what I believe is right. The Bible says that I can do all things through CHRIST who strengthens me...not CAROL!!! I will not quit just because someone tells me to. I'm not afraid of the enemy or his workers. God is giving me victory...and I am growing tremendously from it. I no longer wonder why I went through what I did...because God has given me the answer. I no longer try to quiz other people on the Bible and religion, because I've realized that I have so much to learn. I am trying very hard to accept love from other people, though that is extremely hard to do. Everyone who told me that they loved me between the ages of 6-19 all proved the exact opposite. I never felt loved, and searched for it everywhere. After my parents were divorced, it was hard to be the kid without the dad at home whose mom worked to keep that home. It was hard to accept the fact that I essentially no longer had a physical father. My dad was evil, so God was the one and only father...literally.
I went to foundations class this morning at church, which is a beginner/refresher course for the Christian faith. We were talking about the trinity, and the different characteristics of each being (God the Father, God the Son, God the Holy Spirit). One thing that really stood out to me was the part where it defined Christ as our friend/brother/teacher. I had always been taught to have a fear of God. The fear that was taught was reverent fear, but the fear that was enforced was totally different. I was scared to death of God! He was someone who would physically kill me if I didn't do what (God told) Carol to tell me to do. How is that friendly? How is that even loving? I learned that God wants to be my friend...he wants to hang out with me and have conversations over coffee. He loves me. I never thought that I was essentially allowed to have such an intimate relationship with God. There are always repercussions for my actions, but he doesn't want to kill me. Just imagine your best friend is just having one of those days and forgets to pick up your dry cleaning. Do you kill him now that he messed up? If you do, you're gonna end up in prison for the rest of your life for murder. Not to mention you just broke one of God's commandments. If not even we sinful humans would do that, why in heck would God do it?!?!?!
It's so nice to be in the company of loving Christians who really do want the best for me. Today, the pastor asked if anyone was having issues with some walls that needed to be broke down in our hearts. I, along with two other women, raised my hand. Several people came to where I was, placed their hands on me and prayed. Sincerely prayed...for me! Not that the sin would come out of my heart, not that God would reveal what roadblocks are keeping me from him; but that God would bring peace to me, that I could overcome all things because Christ allows me to. Wow!! I've never had that kind of support...ever! I know that Amadeo church is where I'm supposed to be right now. I have people surrounding me who actually want me to succeed, in whatever way CHRIST wants me to, not them. I really can feel the love, and I pray that God will give me the strength to open my heart once again so that I can fully receive it and reciprocate it.

Dear Jesus,
First of all, I want to thank you for giving me a little piece of who you are. Just the loving father characteristic that I've received is overwhelming to me...I can't imagine much more. But, you do have so much more for me! You love me like no one else has or ever will love me. Please, open my heart to receive your love, and the love of others around me. Also, help me to give love in abundance, as I have received it that way. Second, thank you for the new family in Christ that I have received. Ami, Dennis, Lisa, Jon, Ben, Mandy, Kristen, Elisa, and all the other wonderful people who I might have shamefully forgotten...please bless them! I have received support, encouragement and love from each one of them that can't even be measured. I don't deserve any of it, yet you allow your people to give so graciously. Thank you! and last, but most definitely not least, thank you so so so so so so so so much for opening my eyes!!! I am so thankful that I'm not still under the control of a lying, manipulating, controlling person. Thank you for setting me free and for looking down on me, even though I'm not anywhere close to being worthy. I love you, and thank you for loving me -- though sometimes I'm not sure why you do.
Amen.