I am Worthy!!

I have been having a lot of struggles with several different things in my life, most of them spiritual. There are certain things that I have just steered clear of, trying to avoid painful feelings and convictions. Of course, God doesn't want that! I have learned sooo many things recently, and, amazingly, I've been able to process all of it. God has richly blessed me with people who love me, who are wiser than me, and who just have the right thing to say at the perfect time I need to hear it. On Friday, I went to a pool/pizza party at Jeremy and Sherry's house. I was talking to Jeremy and some other guys there about how I need to feel love from other people. He said that no, I don't need to feel love from other people, but I need to learn how to accept the love that Christ gives me. Wow! I never thought of it that way before. By saying that I need love from other people is showing that I'm not content with the love that Christ has so freely given me. That's pretty amazing. Besides, when I think about it, I have sufficient love coming from so many people. I just need to learn how to accept it.
This morning, Ben was talking about the genealogy of Jesus. Whenever I would read chapters that had genealogy in it before, I would skip over the genealogy part...they were just names, right? The thing that I never thought about was that those names are not 'just names'...they are people. They were real life people who did incredible things for God, and made a difference in history. I have been having a conflict about what I am supposed to be doing for God. My ears perk up every time a mission trip is mentioned...I would love to do something like that. I would LOVE to be able to share my testimony and God's love to people who may not know. That's the whole reason that I'm writing a book, and why I'm even writing this. The only problem is, I don't feel like I'm good enough. I mean look at me! I'm a 21 year old girl, I have a prick for a father, half of my family has either been in prison, is in prison, or should be in prison. My education was cut short after my sophomore year in high school, I live with my mom. As if that's not enough to make people shy away from me, I SPENT ELEVEN YEARS IN A CULT!!!! I hate speaking in front of people, and I don't meet new people easily. I am the worst candidate. But, so was everyone else that God used in the Bible! Adam to begin with, Noah, Abraham, Jacob, David, Solomon, Jonah. The list goes on and on. I was always taught that I wasn't worthy yet, I hadn't gotten to the place where God wanted me yet, I wasn't cleansed yet, I wasn't ready yet. Everything was always spoken to me in the future. I wasn't good enough to be used by God, but I wasn't good enough because I wasn't letting God use me. A little bit of a contradiction, isn't it? Well, at the end of the sermon, I went up to Jeremy and Sherry, and asked for them to pray for me...because I was the one Ben was talking about...I was the one who didn't feel worthy. They prayed for me, that I would see that because Christ died for me, I AM WORTHY!! I am God's daughter...and he loves even me.
I am by no means perfect, and if I ever say that I am, please slap me in the face. I'm not perfect, but God can perfectly use me. He knows that I'm not perfect, he knows my flaws. But he loves me anyway. Wow...

God,
It's been a rough few years for us. There have been times when I hated your guts, and other times when I just wanted nothing more than to sit in silence with you. You don't deserve my double-mindedness with you, but you're patient enough to wait for me and with me. Thank you for never giving up...because it's working. Lord, I don't know what you want me to do, but just give me courage to do it. Let me be the one who jumps into the water before it's parted, and the servant who serves before it's her turn. Help me understand that you can work through anything...even a plain jane like me. Thank you for your love and patience with me.
Amen.