Raking Leaves

There comes a point in your life when you not only decide...but you realize that everything that has happened before today should have happened exactly the way it did. Everyone has a past. It's when you can look at it straight in the face through reality that ultimately decides what the result will be. It's easy to walk through life, refusing to acknowledge a painful, messy past. A difficult step above denial is to accept that you have such a past. But it can be downright unbearable, and nearly impossible to face the fear of going through each and every painful memory to move on from this past. This is where I am living...I've made the conscious, personal decision to rake through every dead, crumbly leaf in my life; all in the hope and faith that God will somehow get me through. It's not easy, enjoyable or quick revisiting an abusive past. Every time I hear words that she used to say, see things she used to wear, visit places we used to go, I am forced to relive it. It's like the rake used to clean up my mess instantly transforms into a dagger and stabs me in my weakest place - my heart. I'm afraid to feel anymore, but now that I'm in this deep, it's pointless to turn back. There is no such thing as giving up...there is only moving. I must move on. I must finish this painful, seemingly self-injurious journey to continue my growth as a person, and as a Catholic Christian. This is the calling God has placed on my life. There has to be a reason I went through the cult; but most importantly, there has to be a reason God brought me back. There has to be a reason I still have faith, and why I'm not content with just that. There must be more...

An Unofficial Official Catholic

It really has been such a long time since my last post, but I won't let that discourage me! So many wonderful thngs have been happening in my life, and I am so thankful to God for all He has done for me. Spending time with a friend tonight gave me a new persective on my upbringing. I hated being the weird kid, the odd one out. I never understood why it was important much less necessary to listen to the Bible on CD while I slept. I hated knowing so much about the Bible...nobody else my age did. After I left the cult, I knew that God would use my experience to help other people. Throughout the 5 years since that day, it seems that I'm exposed to more that really was useful.
I have decided after seven months of studying, studying and more studying that I am going to be a Catholic. I attended my first Catholic mass in February, and have been going every week since. I am currently going through the Rite to Christian Initiation of Adults (RCIA), which lasts for nine months. After that time, I will have received the sacraments of confession, baptism, confirmation, and most importantly, the Eucharist. I am so passionate about my faith, and I just realized tonight how much of that was taught to me at a young age.
I still 100% believe that Carol Brown's group is a cult! However, I have chosen to not live in pity and self deprication because of that. Instead, I have asked God for the strength to accept my lot in life and always give Him praise for my accomplishments; and let me not forget to praise Him even in my failures. What has become so clear to me recently is how much I really am blessed. In the RCIA group that I'm in, some people don't even know how to navigate through the Bible. I'm pretty sure I had to learn that early on (in homeschool). It's astounding to me how little people actually know about the Bible, and it has especially made me realize that all those times that I hated staying up till the wee hours of the morning studying my Bible were all meant for this.
God has put me in situations (most of which I hated at the time!!) to prepare me for this time in my life. The spiritual discipline that I was forced to have but never understood was preparing me for this. God has blessedme so much!! I can't thank Him enough for all He's done in my life. He's blessed me with a job that I am passionate about, working with staff I love and kids I adore. He's given me friends that I hardly have time for them all! Yet somehow it works. He's given me the brain to go to school to pursue a degree that I will be successful in. There are too many blessings in my life to name...most of them I naively overlook. But what I am most thankful for right now is the heart for my faith He's given me, and the mounds of support I have right at my fingertips. I love my life and I can't wait to be an official Catholic!!

Coming Back

4/9/12 - "If happiness is the sunlight, and sadness the rain that falls, my life is a constant rainbow. The colors of the rainbow may fade, but they will always remain colors. Live your life without fear of the storm clouds. Because even though it can become cold, dark, lonely and painful; there is always the promise for the beautiful colors of the rainbow."

4/10/12 - "The question is not 'are you the one for me?'; but rather 'how much longer until you're mine?'"

I haven't written in a very, very long time. It's funny...I've been telling myself and everyone else that I haven't been inspired to write, but really I've been too afraid of the pain that comes from gong any deeper into my memories. It's like I've put a wall up for my own self, so that I can't see any further than my face. But, no matter how thick that wall becomes, sooner or later the mortar will weaken, and I'll have to start all over again. Usually it weakens the most when I become real with myself, and when I'm willing to let all of my distractions go to the wayside and really listen. Listen to God, listen to my closest friends, and listen to my heart. The tidbits that I wrote above were forced. To be honest, I have been completely avoiding writing. But, while talking to my best friend the other night, I just let go. I was completely open and vulnerable. But, being the amazing man that he is, he didn't take advantage. He helped me. It might not have been what I wanted at the time, since he was actually making me promise that I would do the very thing that I was avoiding. But, I did it...and I didn't feel any better. I talked to him the next day, and he asked if I wrote anything. I told him no, and then before I went to bed, I wrote the second quote...pink eye and all. I still didn't feel better...not until now, when I am able to just write. I can only see out of one eye (the worst prescription out of the two), and am super contagious, but I am doing it. I don't care how resistant I am to it, I need to write. It is my escape...my fantasy world. It doesn't matter if I am writing about my own experiences or what I wish those experiences were, it takes me to another level. The real hurdle isn't the writing part...it's writing about the stuff that I started writing about.
I've accepted that I grew up in a cult. But I haven't fully faced the pain that I've experienced and the lies that I've been told. That is what I am struggling with. I can't write poetically about that. I can't sugar coat it, or make it better. I just have to accept that it's hard, and write it that way.

The Youth

I just watched a Youtube video of an eighth grader being pushed to the brink. Everyone hated him, but he didn't know why. They teased him and picked on him so much that he started to hate himself. He shared that he's cut himself and tried to commit suicide several times. He couldn't even talk...he wrote all of this on note cards. Still, he was crying from the pain that he felt. I couldn't help but shed some tears for him, too. Not just because he was crying, but because I know how he felt. I know what it feels like to be pushed down so far that you actually start pushing yourself down, without ever really knowing why. My heart aches for these kids...it takes me back. God must be working in me hardcore, because all week I've been in familiar situations. As I think back and try to piece together the past to the present, I sometimes become weak and break down. This is one of those days. Watching that boy's pain was all too familiar to me. The question that seems to be repeating through my mind is why? Why do these things happen? I think it's easier to answer the question when things are happening to me. I know the reason why I went through abuse for 13 years. But why do other kids have to go through this? Why do tears need to fall? Why do hearts need to be broken? Why do lives need to be taken?
It's so hard for me to even type, because I am flooded with emotions right now. I hate being reminded that these things are still going on, and that I haven't healed from it yet.

God,
I pray for the youth around the world right now. Please, send your angels to protect them. Don't let them hurt...and heal the pain that they already have. Let me be a light to those around me, and make me a better youth leader. Please, help me be a leader to them...and may my experience help someone who needs it.
Amen.

Joy!!

Wow, it's been a great long while since I last posted a blog entry!! And, thankfully, I have awesome news! God has been doing so much in my life over the past few months. I have so much joy inside of me...I can't help but smile =) I was having a really rough few months with God...a really hard time being in the Word and prayer. I really didn't know why, I just knew that it was there. Then, last Friday, I had the best home group ever!! I could just feel God right there with us...a feeling that I had missed. All of that time that I felt distant was in the past, and I felt like God just picked me up and put me back on track. I still have flashbacks, and some things are still painful to think about; but most of my time is spent with people that I love, and that makes me happy =))

I Love You, Baby

This is the song that I was working on today. It's called "I Love You, Baby". It's just the rough draft...but I'm just excited to get back into writing =)
Hope you like it!!

How can I tell you that I love you when I am so afraid?
You are all I think about, and you're always in my dreams.
No, I'm not ashamed. I just don't know what to do.
When all I want is you, because I love you, baby.

* You are my bright and shining star.
Without you, my night is so dark.
Whenever I see your face, love is all I see.
I want to be in that place again, hold me in your arms again.
Because I love you, baby.
Do you love me, too?
Oh baby, please say that you love me, too. *

There is no analogy that could describe all that you mean to me.
The ocean's sunset cannot compare to the love that I feel whenever you are near to me.
No, I'm not ashamed. I just don't know what to do.
When all I want is you, because I love you, baby.


* You are my bright and shining star.
Without you, my night is so dark.
Whenever I see your face, love is all I see.
I want to be in that place again, hold me in your arms again.
Because I love you, baby.
Do you love me, too?
Oh baby, please say that you love me, too. *

I've never felt this way before; I never thought this feeling existed.
I'm afraid to go further, but I don't want to let go.
I want to be with you, then I want to be alone.
My mind is so confused, and my heart has been stolen.
Because I love you, baby!


* You are my bright and shining star.
Without you, my life is so dark.
Whenever I see your face, love is all I see.
I want to be in that place again, hold me in your arms again.
Because I love you, baby.
Do you love me, too?
Oh baby, please say that you love me, too. *

Reply to Rick Ross cult site READ!!!!!

Carl Andrews (my step dad) posted a reply today. Click on the link, then scroll all the way down to the bottom. Everyone should read it...that means you, too, Store hoe....I mean house.