Wow...it's been a few days since I've written. I just have some weeks that I feel really super inspired to write, and others when I just don't. But, life never seems to be inspiring! I think about my life sometimes, and wonder where the hell I'm supposed to go, and what I'm supposed to do. Last week, I was feeling really low. I just didn't know where I was with God, and what God wanted me to do. I didn't feel worthy to accept his love for me, and to even do his work. The night before last, I was talking to Brian on the phone. After talking for a little bit, he asked me if I was ok. I responded with a "yes". Apparently, he wasn't convinced, because he asked me again. So, I started asking him about his walk with Christ, and how he knew that he was called to be a pastor. He said something that spoke in volumes to me...it was just what I needed to hear. It was somewhere along the lines of "God told me to do something, but he didn't say that I needed to be perfect at it." I am so hard on myself sometimes...I want everything to be a certain way all the time. If it's not, I get angry. I guess you could call me a perfectionist. Another issue that I have is impatience. I have ZERO patience for life. I have patience for my job, but that's about it. I have horrible road rage, and have had panic attacks after getting really upset. I honestly don't know how I'm going to be able to have some patience with myself. I just want everything to happen right now! I hate waiting for things, especially when it's a fault that I have.
I went to worship practice tonight, and there was a song that we were practicing that was originally sung by Hillsong. It didn't bother me until they pulled up the actual song on the internet, with the actual people singing it. It sent chills up my spine! I heard her...the woman who Carol listened to. Darlene Zchech. I HATE!!!! hearing her sing! I hate it so much it just makes me angry. I almost walked out. I don't know why it's still so hard for me to listen to things that she did. That's what I'm talking about...I should be over it by now! It's been like 3 1/2 years...what is taking so long!?!?!? I just want to go back to a time when life was not so complicated...
Lord,
I'm having a really rough week. I still can't even pray out loud, I have to write my prayers down. Please, forgive my impatience, but I don't know how I can help anyone if I'm not even able to pray. I cant even help myself right now. When, Lord? When will I be comforted again? I hate these growing pains! But, if it's what you want me to go through, give me the strength to get through, and the humility to not complain. I know that you can hear my heart as it cries out to you...please answer me.
Amen.
Thursday, August 25, 2011
Sunday, August 21, 2011
I am Worthy!!
I have been having a lot of struggles with several different things in my life, most of them spiritual. There are certain things that I have just steered clear of, trying to avoid painful feelings and convictions. Of course, God doesn't want that! I have learned sooo many things recently, and, amazingly, I've been able to process all of it. God has richly blessed me with people who love me, who are wiser than me, and who just have the right thing to say at the perfect time I need to hear it. On Friday, I went to a pool/pizza party at Jeremy and Sherry's house. I was talking to Jeremy and some other guys there about how I need to feel love from other people. He said that no, I don't need to feel love from other people, but I need to learn how to accept the love that Christ gives me. Wow! I never thought of it that way before. By saying that I need love from other people is showing that I'm not content with the love that Christ has so freely given me. That's pretty amazing. Besides, when I think about it, I have sufficient love coming from so many people. I just need to learn how to accept it.
This morning, Ben was talking about the genealogy of Jesus. Whenever I would read chapters that had genealogy in it before, I would skip over the genealogy part...they were just names, right? The thing that I never thought about was that those names are not 'just names'...they are people. They were real life people who did incredible things for God, and made a difference in history. I have been having a conflict about what I am supposed to be doing for God. My ears perk up every time a mission trip is mentioned...I would love to do something like that. I would LOVE to be able to share my testimony and God's love to people who may not know. That's the whole reason that I'm writing a book, and why I'm even writing this. The only problem is, I don't feel like I'm good enough. I mean look at me! I'm a 21 year old girl, I have a prick for a father, half of my family has either been in prison, is in prison, or should be in prison. My education was cut short after my sophomore year in high school, I live with my mom. As if that's not enough to make people shy away from me, I SPENT ELEVEN YEARS IN A CULT!!!! I hate speaking in front of people, and I don't meet new people easily. I am the worst candidate. But, so was everyone else that God used in the Bible! Adam to begin with, Noah, Abraham, Jacob, David, Solomon, Jonah. The list goes on and on. I was always taught that I wasn't worthy yet, I hadn't gotten to the place where God wanted me yet, I wasn't cleansed yet, I wasn't ready yet. Everything was always spoken to me in the future. I wasn't good enough to be used by God, but I wasn't good enough because I wasn't letting God use me. A little bit of a contradiction, isn't it? Well, at the end of the sermon, I went up to Jeremy and Sherry, and asked for them to pray for me...because I was the one Ben was talking about...I was the one who didn't feel worthy. They prayed for me, that I would see that because Christ died for me, I AM WORTHY!! I am God's daughter...and he loves even me.
I am by no means perfect, and if I ever say that I am, please slap me in the face. I'm not perfect, but God can perfectly use me. He knows that I'm not perfect, he knows my flaws. But he loves me anyway. Wow...
God,
It's been a rough few years for us. There have been times when I hated your guts, and other times when I just wanted nothing more than to sit in silence with you. You don't deserve my double-mindedness with you, but you're patient enough to wait for me and with me. Thank you for never giving up...because it's working. Lord, I don't know what you want me to do, but just give me courage to do it. Let me be the one who jumps into the water before it's parted, and the servant who serves before it's her turn. Help me understand that you can work through anything...even a plain jane like me. Thank you for your love and patience with me.
Amen.
This morning, Ben was talking about the genealogy of Jesus. Whenever I would read chapters that had genealogy in it before, I would skip over the genealogy part...they were just names, right? The thing that I never thought about was that those names are not 'just names'...they are people. They were real life people who did incredible things for God, and made a difference in history. I have been having a conflict about what I am supposed to be doing for God. My ears perk up every time a mission trip is mentioned...I would love to do something like that. I would LOVE to be able to share my testimony and God's love to people who may not know. That's the whole reason that I'm writing a book, and why I'm even writing this. The only problem is, I don't feel like I'm good enough. I mean look at me! I'm a 21 year old girl, I have a prick for a father, half of my family has either been in prison, is in prison, or should be in prison. My education was cut short after my sophomore year in high school, I live with my mom. As if that's not enough to make people shy away from me, I SPENT ELEVEN YEARS IN A CULT!!!! I hate speaking in front of people, and I don't meet new people easily. I am the worst candidate. But, so was everyone else that God used in the Bible! Adam to begin with, Noah, Abraham, Jacob, David, Solomon, Jonah. The list goes on and on. I was always taught that I wasn't worthy yet, I hadn't gotten to the place where God wanted me yet, I wasn't cleansed yet, I wasn't ready yet. Everything was always spoken to me in the future. I wasn't good enough to be used by God, but I wasn't good enough because I wasn't letting God use me. A little bit of a contradiction, isn't it? Well, at the end of the sermon, I went up to Jeremy and Sherry, and asked for them to pray for me...because I was the one Ben was talking about...I was the one who didn't feel worthy. They prayed for me, that I would see that because Christ died for me, I AM WORTHY!! I am God's daughter...and he loves even me.
I am by no means perfect, and if I ever say that I am, please slap me in the face. I'm not perfect, but God can perfectly use me. He knows that I'm not perfect, he knows my flaws. But he loves me anyway. Wow...
God,
It's been a rough few years for us. There have been times when I hated your guts, and other times when I just wanted nothing more than to sit in silence with you. You don't deserve my double-mindedness with you, but you're patient enough to wait for me and with me. Thank you for never giving up...because it's working. Lord, I don't know what you want me to do, but just give me courage to do it. Let me be the one who jumps into the water before it's parted, and the servant who serves before it's her turn. Help me understand that you can work through anything...even a plain jane like me. Thank you for your love and patience with me.
Amen.
Thursday, August 18, 2011
Opinion Time!!! Please Respond!!!!!!
As some of you may know, I have been (not so diligently) working on my book, which will be titled Through the Valleys. I have the (unedited) introduction and first chapter pretty much completed. I started on the second chapter tonight. Would anyone like me to post them? Let me know!!
Cult Similarities
A few months back, I did some research on comparing the cult that I was raised in to other publicly known cults. The similarities are scary, and all too real.
The Church of Bible Understanding (formerly known as the Forever Family)
is a destructive cult started in 1971 by former atheist and vacuum repairman Stewart Traill in Allentown, Pennsylvania. The cult targeted teens as young as 13 by drawing on their weaknesses. Throughout the 1970s, the cult expanded to many other parts of the United States. Members of the cult live in a commune and donate 90% of their income to the cult. Traill amassed a fortune and owns four planes and a half million dollar mansion. According to former members, Traill controls every aspect of members’ lives through harsh criticism, shame, and public humiliation.
Monday, August 15, 2011
Sometimes, being numb is the easiest
I've been thinking about my family in Ohio this past week...I miss them so much! I was just watching some home videos that Beth had posted on her facebook. It brought me to tears to watch Grace and TJ sing the "I love you" song. I miss them running to me and giving me a big hug and kiss when I walked in the door. Whenever I went to work in the morning, TJ and Grace would not let me leave until they gave me a hug and kiss goodbye. And when I came home, they would all give me a hug and kiss, and ask me how my day was, tell me that they love me and missed me. I felt like they were mine, too. I love them so much. It amazed me that dad could leave so suddenly, without even a single tear in his eye. The night before I left, I visited them at dad's house and cried my eyes out, because I knew that it would be a long time before I would get to see them again. You know what they did? They all, Collin, TJ and Grace, came around me and gave me millions of hugs and kisses, telling me that it would be ok. TJ said "Amber, if you don't stop crying, I'm not gonna give you a hug!" Lol so cute! He learned that one from me!! TJ would clear his throat ALL the time!!! Because I did =) Grace would want me to tuck her in instead of mom some nights...they all made me feel so loved. I miss them so much! And I told them that I would call them every night, but I can't. That makes me feel horrible! I hope they know that I love them.
Friday, August 12, 2011
I figured out that I don't know everything. Not in the sense of I was a know-it-all and my pride was broken, but in the sense of I don't know simple, common knowledge things that 5 year olds in Sunday School know. I don't know how to pray. I don't know how to accept love. I don't know how to give love. I don't know what's true for me, and I don't know what isn't true for me. Let's start with the first one, so I don't go all over the place.
So, how to pray. I know that there isn't a rhyme or reason on how to pray or what to pray for, but I find it extremely hard to even talk to God. I can pray in my head, but I am very uncomfortable verbalizing a prayer out loud. The reason for this is because when I was in the cult, Carol told me that my calling in life was to be an intercessor, which is someone who prays. "An intercessor is someone who is especially called and equipped by God through the Holy Spirit to spend time in earnest prayer for others. You become an intercessor simply by receiving such burdens from God to pray for others. You learn from the Holy Spirit how to pray for certain people or groups. "Ask me, and I will tell you things that you don't know and can't find out." (Jeremiah 33:3)" There are several differences between this explanation, and what I went through with Carol. First off, I was called by God through Carol, not the Holy Spirit. Second, I didn't receive the burdens from God, I received them from Carol. Third, I didn't learn through the Holy Spirit, I learned through Carol. Carol was 'training' me to be an intercessor, since she was also an intercessor. So, she would critique how I prayed, and what I prayed about. A prayer about myself was a selfish prayer (unless it was a prayer to cleanse me, etc.), so I needed to ask someone else to pray for me. That someone else was...can you guess? Carol! So, since I had to go to her to pray about me, she would tell me if they were necessary or appropriate prayers. Everything was monitored by her. If I didn't pray, it was because there was a concoction of sins in my heart keeping me from praying. If I would pray, I was praying in the flesh, so God wasn't hearing me anyway. So, I couldn't pray without Carol's direction. I told my step sister that a horrible analogy, but the only one I could think of is this: my 'self-directed prayer mechanism' is a block of cheese. Carol took that block of cheese and grated it over and over again, until the cheese was gone. After that point, I depended on her for everything. Some people don't understand what I mean when I say that I don't know how to pray. It's because my cheese is gone, and now I need to go back to the store and get a new block. That's where I am now.
I don't know how to accept love. This comes from spending 13 years in co-dependent relationships with people who didn't really love me. I've been lied to so many times, from people who really shouldn't be lying to me, like parents, siblings and partners. I have been stripped of any trust that I may have had as a child.
I don't know how to give love. This is from the above scenario...if I haven't been exposed to real love, how do I know how to really love? It's only been through the past year and a half that I've experienced real love, and I don't know what to do with it, and I sure as hell don't know how to adequately give it back.
I don't know what's true for me. I have so much book knowledge about the Bible. I could seriously stand in front of a church congregation and give a lengthy sermon, and know exactly what I'm talking about. But, I don't know what it means. I don't know how to apply it to my life, so I definitely don't know how to apply it to someone else's life.
I don't know what's not true for me. Because Carol taught based on the Bible, some of the things that she said have to be true. That's a fact that I'm not yet ready to accept. I don't want to say the same things she says, and I don't want to hear the same things that she told me. I am not sure how much of what Carol said is untrue, and that scares me and makes me not want to learn anymore. I have to get over that fear in order to move on. That might be one of the hardest things I'll ever have to do.
I need a lot of prayer, and thank God for all the people he's put in my life who support me. I could not be where I am today without them. I pray that God will bless you beyond words, and you all know who you are <3 I love you all, even if I don't show it yet. I will learn!
So, how to pray. I know that there isn't a rhyme or reason on how to pray or what to pray for, but I find it extremely hard to even talk to God. I can pray in my head, but I am very uncomfortable verbalizing a prayer out loud. The reason for this is because when I was in the cult, Carol told me that my calling in life was to be an intercessor, which is someone who prays. "An intercessor is someone who is especially called and equipped by God through the Holy Spirit to spend time in earnest prayer for others. You become an intercessor simply by receiving such burdens from God to pray for others. You learn from the Holy Spirit how to pray for certain people or groups. "Ask me, and I will tell you things that you don't know and can't find out." (Jeremiah 33:3)" There are several differences between this explanation, and what I went through with Carol. First off, I was called by God through Carol, not the Holy Spirit. Second, I didn't receive the burdens from God, I received them from Carol. Third, I didn't learn through the Holy Spirit, I learned through Carol. Carol was 'training' me to be an intercessor, since she was also an intercessor. So, she would critique how I prayed, and what I prayed about. A prayer about myself was a selfish prayer (unless it was a prayer to cleanse me, etc.), so I needed to ask someone else to pray for me. That someone else was...can you guess? Carol! So, since I had to go to her to pray about me, she would tell me if they were necessary or appropriate prayers. Everything was monitored by her. If I didn't pray, it was because there was a concoction of sins in my heart keeping me from praying. If I would pray, I was praying in the flesh, so God wasn't hearing me anyway. So, I couldn't pray without Carol's direction. I told my step sister that a horrible analogy, but the only one I could think of is this: my 'self-directed prayer mechanism' is a block of cheese. Carol took that block of cheese and grated it over and over again, until the cheese was gone. After that point, I depended on her for everything. Some people don't understand what I mean when I say that I don't know how to pray. It's because my cheese is gone, and now I need to go back to the store and get a new block. That's where I am now.
I don't know how to accept love. This comes from spending 13 years in co-dependent relationships with people who didn't really love me. I've been lied to so many times, from people who really shouldn't be lying to me, like parents, siblings and partners. I have been stripped of any trust that I may have had as a child.
I don't know how to give love. This is from the above scenario...if I haven't been exposed to real love, how do I know how to really love? It's only been through the past year and a half that I've experienced real love, and I don't know what to do with it, and I sure as hell don't know how to adequately give it back.
I don't know what's true for me. I have so much book knowledge about the Bible. I could seriously stand in front of a church congregation and give a lengthy sermon, and know exactly what I'm talking about. But, I don't know what it means. I don't know how to apply it to my life, so I definitely don't know how to apply it to someone else's life.
I don't know what's not true for me. Because Carol taught based on the Bible, some of the things that she said have to be true. That's a fact that I'm not yet ready to accept. I don't want to say the same things she says, and I don't want to hear the same things that she told me. I am not sure how much of what Carol said is untrue, and that scares me and makes me not want to learn anymore. I have to get over that fear in order to move on. That might be one of the hardest things I'll ever have to do.
I need a lot of prayer, and thank God for all the people he's put in my life who support me. I could not be where I am today without them. I pray that God will bless you beyond words, and you all know who you are <3 I love you all, even if I don't show it yet. I will learn!
Sunday, August 7, 2011
Love
I have been thinking a lot lately about my relationship with Christ. I am so glad that it is where it is today, but it's still not far enough! I know a lot about the Bible, but I don't know what it means. I only ever read what Carol gave me to read. My dream about Proverbs 8 forced me to think about many many things. I read that chapter probably ten times that day, just to make sure that I didn't miss anything. I figured out that that dream was meant to tell me something...I am free from Carol and Holy wisdom is on my side!
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