Raking Leaves

There comes a point in your life when you not only decide...but you realize that everything that has happened before today should have happened exactly the way it did. Everyone has a past. It's when you can look at it straight in the face through reality that ultimately decides what the result will be. It's easy to walk through life, refusing to acknowledge a painful, messy past. A difficult step above denial is to accept that you have such a past. But it can be downright unbearable, and nearly impossible to face the fear of going through each and every painful memory to move on from this past. This is where I am living...I've made the conscious, personal decision to rake through every dead, crumbly leaf in my life; all in the hope and faith that God will somehow get me through. It's not easy, enjoyable or quick revisiting an abusive past. Every time I hear words that she used to say, see things she used to wear, visit places we used to go, I am forced to relive it. It's like the rake used to clean up my mess instantly transforms into a dagger and stabs me in my weakest place - my heart. I'm afraid to feel anymore, but now that I'm in this deep, it's pointless to turn back. There is no such thing as giving up...there is only moving. I must move on. I must finish this painful, seemingly self-injurious journey to continue my growth as a person, and as a Catholic Christian. This is the calling God has placed on my life. There has to be a reason I went through the cult; but most importantly, there has to be a reason God brought me back. There has to be a reason I still have faith, and why I'm not content with just that. There must be more...

An Unofficial Official Catholic

It really has been such a long time since my last post, but I won't let that discourage me! So many wonderful thngs have been happening in my life, and I am so thankful to God for all He has done for me. Spending time with a friend tonight gave me a new persective on my upbringing. I hated being the weird kid, the odd one out. I never understood why it was important much less necessary to listen to the Bible on CD while I slept. I hated knowing so much about the Bible...nobody else my age did. After I left the cult, I knew that God would use my experience to help other people. Throughout the 5 years since that day, it seems that I'm exposed to more that really was useful.
I have decided after seven months of studying, studying and more studying that I am going to be a Catholic. I attended my first Catholic mass in February, and have been going every week since. I am currently going through the Rite to Christian Initiation of Adults (RCIA), which lasts for nine months. After that time, I will have received the sacraments of confession, baptism, confirmation, and most importantly, the Eucharist. I am so passionate about my faith, and I just realized tonight how much of that was taught to me at a young age.
I still 100% believe that Carol Brown's group is a cult! However, I have chosen to not live in pity and self deprication because of that. Instead, I have asked God for the strength to accept my lot in life and always give Him praise for my accomplishments; and let me not forget to praise Him even in my failures. What has become so clear to me recently is how much I really am blessed. In the RCIA group that I'm in, some people don't even know how to navigate through the Bible. I'm pretty sure I had to learn that early on (in homeschool). It's astounding to me how little people actually know about the Bible, and it has especially made me realize that all those times that I hated staying up till the wee hours of the morning studying my Bible were all meant for this.
God has put me in situations (most of which I hated at the time!!) to prepare me for this time in my life. The spiritual discipline that I was forced to have but never understood was preparing me for this. God has blessedme so much!! I can't thank Him enough for all He's done in my life. He's blessed me with a job that I am passionate about, working with staff I love and kids I adore. He's given me friends that I hardly have time for them all! Yet somehow it works. He's given me the brain to go to school to pursue a degree that I will be successful in. There are too many blessings in my life to name...most of them I naively overlook. But what I am most thankful for right now is the heart for my faith He's given me, and the mounds of support I have right at my fingertips. I love my life and I can't wait to be an official Catholic!!

Coming Back

4/9/12 - "If happiness is the sunlight, and sadness the rain that falls, my life is a constant rainbow. The colors of the rainbow may fade, but they will always remain colors. Live your life without fear of the storm clouds. Because even though it can become cold, dark, lonely and painful; there is always the promise for the beautiful colors of the rainbow."

4/10/12 - "The question is not 'are you the one for me?'; but rather 'how much longer until you're mine?'"

I haven't written in a very, very long time. It's funny...I've been telling myself and everyone else that I haven't been inspired to write, but really I've been too afraid of the pain that comes from gong any deeper into my memories. It's like I've put a wall up for my own self, so that I can't see any further than my face. But, no matter how thick that wall becomes, sooner or later the mortar will weaken, and I'll have to start all over again. Usually it weakens the most when I become real with myself, and when I'm willing to let all of my distractions go to the wayside and really listen. Listen to God, listen to my closest friends, and listen to my heart. The tidbits that I wrote above were forced. To be honest, I have been completely avoiding writing. But, while talking to my best friend the other night, I just let go. I was completely open and vulnerable. But, being the amazing man that he is, he didn't take advantage. He helped me. It might not have been what I wanted at the time, since he was actually making me promise that I would do the very thing that I was avoiding. But, I did it...and I didn't feel any better. I talked to him the next day, and he asked if I wrote anything. I told him no, and then before I went to bed, I wrote the second quote...pink eye and all. I still didn't feel better...not until now, when I am able to just write. I can only see out of one eye (the worst prescription out of the two), and am super contagious, but I am doing it. I don't care how resistant I am to it, I need to write. It is my escape...my fantasy world. It doesn't matter if I am writing about my own experiences or what I wish those experiences were, it takes me to another level. The real hurdle isn't the writing part...it's writing about the stuff that I started writing about.
I've accepted that I grew up in a cult. But I haven't fully faced the pain that I've experienced and the lies that I've been told. That is what I am struggling with. I can't write poetically about that. I can't sugar coat it, or make it better. I just have to accept that it's hard, and write it that way.

The Youth

I just watched a Youtube video of an eighth grader being pushed to the brink. Everyone hated him, but he didn't know why. They teased him and picked on him so much that he started to hate himself. He shared that he's cut himself and tried to commit suicide several times. He couldn't even talk...he wrote all of this on note cards. Still, he was crying from the pain that he felt. I couldn't help but shed some tears for him, too. Not just because he was crying, but because I know how he felt. I know what it feels like to be pushed down so far that you actually start pushing yourself down, without ever really knowing why. My heart aches for these kids...it takes me back. God must be working in me hardcore, because all week I've been in familiar situations. As I think back and try to piece together the past to the present, I sometimes become weak and break down. This is one of those days. Watching that boy's pain was all too familiar to me. The question that seems to be repeating through my mind is why? Why do these things happen? I think it's easier to answer the question when things are happening to me. I know the reason why I went through abuse for 13 years. But why do other kids have to go through this? Why do tears need to fall? Why do hearts need to be broken? Why do lives need to be taken?
It's so hard for me to even type, because I am flooded with emotions right now. I hate being reminded that these things are still going on, and that I haven't healed from it yet.

God,
I pray for the youth around the world right now. Please, send your angels to protect them. Don't let them hurt...and heal the pain that they already have. Let me be a light to those around me, and make me a better youth leader. Please, help me be a leader to them...and may my experience help someone who needs it.
Amen.

Joy!!

Wow, it's been a great long while since I last posted a blog entry!! And, thankfully, I have awesome news! God has been doing so much in my life over the past few months. I have so much joy inside of me...I can't help but smile =) I was having a really rough few months with God...a really hard time being in the Word and prayer. I really didn't know why, I just knew that it was there. Then, last Friday, I had the best home group ever!! I could just feel God right there with us...a feeling that I had missed. All of that time that I felt distant was in the past, and I felt like God just picked me up and put me back on track. I still have flashbacks, and some things are still painful to think about; but most of my time is spent with people that I love, and that makes me happy =))

I Love You, Baby

This is the song that I was working on today. It's called "I Love You, Baby". It's just the rough draft...but I'm just excited to get back into writing =)
Hope you like it!!

How can I tell you that I love you when I am so afraid?
You are all I think about, and you're always in my dreams.
No, I'm not ashamed. I just don't know what to do.
When all I want is you, because I love you, baby.

* You are my bright and shining star.
Without you, my night is so dark.
Whenever I see your face, love is all I see.
I want to be in that place again, hold me in your arms again.
Because I love you, baby.
Do you love me, too?
Oh baby, please say that you love me, too. *

There is no analogy that could describe all that you mean to me.
The ocean's sunset cannot compare to the love that I feel whenever you are near to me.
No, I'm not ashamed. I just don't know what to do.
When all I want is you, because I love you, baby.


* You are my bright and shining star.
Without you, my night is so dark.
Whenever I see your face, love is all I see.
I want to be in that place again, hold me in your arms again.
Because I love you, baby.
Do you love me, too?
Oh baby, please say that you love me, too. *

I've never felt this way before; I never thought this feeling existed.
I'm afraid to go further, but I don't want to let go.
I want to be with you, then I want to be alone.
My mind is so confused, and my heart has been stolen.
Because I love you, baby!


* You are my bright and shining star.
Without you, my life is so dark.
Whenever I see your face, love is all I see.
I want to be in that place again, hold me in your arms again.
Because I love you, baby.
Do you love me, too?
Oh baby, please say that you love me, too. *

Reply to Rick Ross cult site READ!!!!!

Carl Andrews (my step dad) posted a reply today. Click on the link, then scroll all the way down to the bottom. Everyone should read it...that means you, too, Store hoe....I mean house.

Wow...it's been a few days since I've written. I just have some weeks that I feel really super inspired to write, and others when I just don't. But, life never seems to be inspiring! I think about my life sometimes, and wonder where the hell I'm supposed to go, and what I'm supposed to do. Last week, I was feeling really low. I just didn't know where I was with God, and what God wanted me to do. I didn't feel worthy to accept his love for me, and to even do his work. The night before last, I was talking to Brian on the phone. After talking for a little bit, he asked me if I was ok. I responded with a "yes". Apparently, he wasn't convinced, because he asked me again. So, I started asking him about his walk with Christ, and how he knew that he was called to be a pastor. He said something that spoke in volumes to me...it was just what I needed to hear. It was somewhere along the lines of "God told me to do something, but he didn't say that I needed to be perfect at it." I am so hard on myself sometimes...I want everything to be a certain way all the time. If it's not, I get angry. I guess you could call me a perfectionist. Another issue that I have is impatience. I have ZERO patience for life. I have patience for my job, but that's about it. I have horrible road rage, and have had panic attacks after getting really upset. I honestly don't know how I'm going to be able to have some patience with myself. I just want everything to happen right now! I hate waiting for things, especially when it's a fault that I have.
I went to worship practice tonight, and there was a song that we were practicing that was originally sung by Hillsong. It didn't bother me until they pulled up the actual song on the internet, with the actual people singing it. It sent chills up my spine! I heard her...the woman who Carol listened to. Darlene Zchech. I HATE!!!! hearing her sing! I hate it so much it just makes me angry. I almost walked out. I don't know why it's still so hard for me to listen to things that she did. That's what I'm talking about...I should be over it by now! It's been like 3 1/2 years...what is taking so long!?!?!? I just want to go back to a time when life was not so complicated...

Lord,
I'm having a really rough week. I still can't even pray out loud, I have to write my prayers down. Please, forgive my impatience, but I don't know how I can help anyone if I'm not even able to pray. I cant even help myself right now. When, Lord? When will I be comforted again? I hate these growing pains! But, if it's what you want me to go through, give me the strength to get through, and the humility to not complain. I know that you can hear my heart as it cries out to you...please answer me.
Amen.

I am Worthy!!

I have been having a lot of struggles with several different things in my life, most of them spiritual. There are certain things that I have just steered clear of, trying to avoid painful feelings and convictions. Of course, God doesn't want that! I have learned sooo many things recently, and, amazingly, I've been able to process all of it. God has richly blessed me with people who love me, who are wiser than me, and who just have the right thing to say at the perfect time I need to hear it. On Friday, I went to a pool/pizza party at Jeremy and Sherry's house. I was talking to Jeremy and some other guys there about how I need to feel love from other people. He said that no, I don't need to feel love from other people, but I need to learn how to accept the love that Christ gives me. Wow! I never thought of it that way before. By saying that I need love from other people is showing that I'm not content with the love that Christ has so freely given me. That's pretty amazing. Besides, when I think about it, I have sufficient love coming from so many people. I just need to learn how to accept it.
This morning, Ben was talking about the genealogy of Jesus. Whenever I would read chapters that had genealogy in it before, I would skip over the genealogy part...they were just names, right? The thing that I never thought about was that those names are not 'just names'...they are people. They were real life people who did incredible things for God, and made a difference in history. I have been having a conflict about what I am supposed to be doing for God. My ears perk up every time a mission trip is mentioned...I would love to do something like that. I would LOVE to be able to share my testimony and God's love to people who may not know. That's the whole reason that I'm writing a book, and why I'm even writing this. The only problem is, I don't feel like I'm good enough. I mean look at me! I'm a 21 year old girl, I have a prick for a father, half of my family has either been in prison, is in prison, or should be in prison. My education was cut short after my sophomore year in high school, I live with my mom. As if that's not enough to make people shy away from me, I SPENT ELEVEN YEARS IN A CULT!!!! I hate speaking in front of people, and I don't meet new people easily. I am the worst candidate. But, so was everyone else that God used in the Bible! Adam to begin with, Noah, Abraham, Jacob, David, Solomon, Jonah. The list goes on and on. I was always taught that I wasn't worthy yet, I hadn't gotten to the place where God wanted me yet, I wasn't cleansed yet, I wasn't ready yet. Everything was always spoken to me in the future. I wasn't good enough to be used by God, but I wasn't good enough because I wasn't letting God use me. A little bit of a contradiction, isn't it? Well, at the end of the sermon, I went up to Jeremy and Sherry, and asked for them to pray for me...because I was the one Ben was talking about...I was the one who didn't feel worthy. They prayed for me, that I would see that because Christ died for me, I AM WORTHY!! I am God's daughter...and he loves even me.
I am by no means perfect, and if I ever say that I am, please slap me in the face. I'm not perfect, but God can perfectly use me. He knows that I'm not perfect, he knows my flaws. But he loves me anyway. Wow...

God,
It's been a rough few years for us. There have been times when I hated your guts, and other times when I just wanted nothing more than to sit in silence with you. You don't deserve my double-mindedness with you, but you're patient enough to wait for me and with me. Thank you for never giving up...because it's working. Lord, I don't know what you want me to do, but just give me courage to do it. Let me be the one who jumps into the water before it's parted, and the servant who serves before it's her turn. Help me understand that you can work through anything...even a plain jane like me. Thank you for your love and patience with me.
Amen.

Opinion Time!!! Please Respond!!!!!!

As some of you may know, I have been (not so diligently) working on my book, which will be titled Through the Valleys. I have the (unedited) introduction and first chapter pretty much completed. I started on the second chapter tonight. Would anyone like me to post them? Let me know!!

Cult Similarities

A few months back, I did some research on comparing the cult that I was raised in to other publicly known cults. The similarities are scary, and all too real.

The Church of Bible Understanding (formerly known as the Forever Family)

is a destructive cult started in 1971 by former atheist and vacuum repairman Stewart Traill in Allentown, Pennsylvania. The cult targeted teens as young as 13 by drawing on their weaknesses. Throughout the 1970s, the cult expanded to many other parts of the United States. Members of the cult live in a commune and donate 90% of their income to the cult. Traill amassed a fortune and owns four planes and a half million dollar mansion. According to former members, Traill controls every aspect of members’ lives through harsh criticism, shame, and public humiliation.

Sometimes, being numb is the easiest

I've been thinking about my family in Ohio this past week...I miss them so much! I was just watching some home videos that Beth had posted on her facebook. It brought me to tears to watch Grace and TJ sing the "I love you" song. I miss them running to me and giving me a big hug and kiss when I walked in the door. Whenever I went to work in the morning, TJ and Grace would not let me leave until they gave me a hug and kiss goodbye. And when I came home, they would all give me a hug and kiss, and ask me how my day was, tell me that they love me and missed me. I felt like they were mine, too. I love them so much. It amazed me that dad could leave so suddenly, without even a single tear in his eye. The night before I left, I visited them at dad's house and cried my eyes out, because I knew that it would be a long time before I would get to see them again. You know what they did? They all, Collin, TJ and Grace, came around me and gave me millions of hugs and kisses, telling me that it would be ok. TJ said "Amber, if you don't stop crying, I'm not gonna give you a hug!" Lol so cute! He learned that one from me!! TJ would clear his throat ALL the time!!! Because I did =) Grace would want me to tuck her in instead of mom some nights...they all made me feel so loved. I miss them so much! And I told them that I would call them every night, but I can't. That makes me feel horrible! I hope they know that I love them.

I figured out that I don't know everything. Not in the sense of I was a know-it-all and my pride was broken, but in the sense of I don't know simple, common knowledge things that 5 year olds in Sunday School know. I don't know how to pray. I don't know how to accept love. I don't know how to give love. I don't know what's true for me, and I don't know what isn't true for me. Let's start with the first one, so I don't go all over the place.
So, how to pray. I know that there isn't a rhyme or reason on how to pray or what to pray for, but I find it extremely hard to even talk to God. I can pray in my head, but I am very uncomfortable verbalizing a prayer out loud. The reason for this is because when I was in the cult, Carol told me that my calling in life was to be an intercessor, which is someone who prays. "An intercessor is someone who is especially called and equipped by God through the Holy Spirit to spend time in earnest prayer for others. You become an intercessor simply by receiving such burdens from God to pray for others. You learn from the Holy Spirit how to pray for certain people or groups. "Ask me, and I will tell you things that you don't know and can't find out." (Jeremiah 33:3)" There are several differences between this explanation, and what I went through with Carol. First off, I was called by God through Carol, not the Holy Spirit. Second, I didn't receive the burdens from God, I received them from Carol. Third, I didn't learn through the Holy Spirit, I learned through Carol. Carol was 'training' me to be an intercessor, since she was also an intercessor. So, she would critique how I prayed, and what I prayed about. A prayer about myself was a selfish prayer (unless it was a prayer to cleanse me, etc.), so I needed to ask someone else to pray for me. That someone else was...can you guess? Carol! So, since I had to go to her to pray about me, she would tell me if they were necessary or appropriate prayers. Everything was monitored by her. If I didn't pray, it was because there was a concoction of sins in my heart keeping me from praying. If I would pray, I was praying in the flesh, so God wasn't hearing me anyway. So, I couldn't pray without Carol's direction. I told my step sister that a horrible analogy, but the only one I could think of is this: my 'self-directed prayer mechanism' is a block of cheese. Carol took that block of cheese and grated it over and over again, until the cheese was gone. After that point, I depended on her for everything. Some people don't understand what I mean when I say that I don't know how to pray. It's because my cheese is gone, and now I need to go back to the store and get a new block. That's where I am now.
I don't know how to accept love. This comes from spending 13 years in co-dependent relationships with people who didn't really love me. I've been lied to so many times, from people who really shouldn't be lying to me, like parents, siblings and partners. I have been stripped of any trust that I may have had as a child.
I don't know how to give love. This is from the above scenario...if I haven't been exposed to real love, how do I know how to really love? It's only been through the past year and a half that I've experienced real love, and I don't know what to do with it, and I sure as hell don't know how to adequately give it back.
I don't know what's true for me. I have so much book knowledge about the Bible. I could seriously stand in front of a church congregation and give a lengthy sermon, and know exactly what I'm talking about. But, I don't know what it means. I don't know how to apply it to my life, so I definitely don't know how to apply it to someone else's life.
I don't know what's not true for me. Because Carol taught based on the Bible, some of the things that she said have to be true. That's a fact that I'm not yet ready to accept. I don't want to say the same things she says, and I don't want to hear the same things that she told me. I am not sure how much of what Carol said is untrue, and that scares me and makes me not want to learn anymore. I have to get over that fear in order to move on. That might be one of the hardest things I'll ever have to do.

I need a lot of prayer, and thank God for all the people he's put in my life who support me. I could not be where I am today without them. I pray that God will bless you beyond words, and you all know who you are <3 I love you all, even if I don't show it yet. I will learn!

Love

I have been thinking a lot lately about my relationship with Christ. I am so glad that it is where it is today, but it's still not far enough! I know a lot about the Bible, but I don't know what it means. I only ever read what Carol gave me to read. My dream about Proverbs 8 forced me to think about many many things. I read that chapter probably ten times that day, just to make sure that I didn't miss anything. I figured out that that dream was meant to tell me something...I am free from Carol and Holy wisdom is on my side!

Growing Up

Today, I'm not the happy, optimistic person that I normally am. For the past two weeks, I have had horrible pain in my stomach after I eat or drink. After two episodes of excruciating pain that made my stomach swell and brought me to tears, I finally went to the doctor today. He told me that he thinks that I have acid reflux, and maybe gall stones. Reality hit me all at once...I have no money, haven't gotten all of my clients together for work, and now I have real stuff going on in my body. I had no idea that being an adult would be like this...I wish that I could go back to the time when I would sit on the floor in my diaper eating Cheerio's while watching The Jungle Book.

My Dream

Eric (a guy who's still in the cult) and I were in several front yards pulling yellow flowers up out of the ground. Carol was saying they were lotus flowers. There were purple, pink and yellow flowers, but we were only pulling the yellow ones. Carol was the only other one there.

Now I See

When I first realized where I had come from, the idea of being in a cult is just so unbelievable! I lived in a form of denial for quite a long time...just treating the whole experience as if it never happened. The only problem with that it that it was eleven years of my life. I can't just erase eleven years! I had to face it, and that was not easy, as it still isn't. Carol teaches based on the Bible, so many of the things she says are true. That is so hard for me to accept. I don't want anything she says to be true! I want her to be 100% wrong on everything! Reality check: she's not. She is wrong on many things...much more than what she is right on. So when I hear things that she used to say being spoken by other people, it makes me think...was I really in a cult?

Cult Consent Form

I received several books last week from Ami about recovering from cults and abusive spiritual relationships. I started on one called Take Back Your Life (Janja Lalich and Madeleine Tobias). I have been agreeing with everything it's said from the introduction on. I'm in the second chapter now, which talks about the recruitment process of a cult. There is a mock contract for cult membership that completely boggled my mind! If there was any doubt that the group that I was in is a cult, it has completely gone away.

Happy August!!!

I can't believe it's already August! I'm gonna be 21 this month...crazy! I have grown so much in the last month, and I can't wait to see what God has for me this month =)

Happy August!! I hope everyone is enjoying the summer <3

Happiness =)

Something has been on my mind for the past week...why are we so negative? We always say that Jesus was brought here to die for our sins. That is the truth, but he came for so much more than that! God gives us everything in life to enjoy. That's in the beginning of his holy word. We are allowed to enjoy the sun, the rain, the things that us humans have built. God gave everyone a talent; whether it be singing, building, designing or cooking...he gave those gifts for a reason...so that we can enjoy them! If simple gifts like that are meant to be enjoyed, how much more are we to enjoy his ultimate gift - Christ?